Will his goals bring title number 20?

So why the ‘criminal’ header? Well, I believe a crime has been committed, hence the headline. The main character in this crime is one Robin van Persie, dubbed RVP by fans and sports writers (hence the headline’s use of R.V.P crimes – I really needed to explain that, like, seriously?), the erstwhile Captain of Arsenal Football Club, the former ‘Heroes of Highbury’ and current Emperors of the Emirates.

If you’re still reading and happen to be in the know about football and stuff, you’re probably thinking, “Oh gosh! Not another bitter Arsenal fan here to complain about van Persie joining United?! Get over it and get on with yer life mate!”

On the contrary, I am a supporter of Manchester United, the United in question. What is being reported as Manchester United purchasing Robin van Persie from Arsenal, I see as Robbery (spotting no jewelry in Arsenal’s trophy room, United pilfered their prize possession), Villainy (it’s pure evil, yanking your main rival’s top gun) by United and Polyandry by van Persie (why not polygamy, you ask? Because I think it’s a bitch move!)

So why am I displeased my team just ‘purchased’ the top player in English football from last season? Well, here’s why… before I became a supporter of Manchester United, I had to give a damn about the sport in the first place. Same goes for any sport/pastime where I have support for any team/individual/entity. So, I love football and can watch two amateur women’s teams play as long as they play a good game. However, being a free spirit in such things, as odd as it may sound, doesn’t come naturally (Read that last statement again and please tell me I’m not crazy). You just have to support a person, squad or ideal. While you can prefer football to tennis, you can’t really ‘support’ football, can you? Yes, you can be neutral but when it reaches a certain level of passion, you find yourself moving towards one side – the conqueror, the underdog, the best looking, the quickest, whatever – and it just sticks. Eric Cantona & Peter Schmeichel drew me to Manchester United and I’ve been a believer ever since. However, I can still watch Arsenal, Liverpool, Newcastle, Getafe, Columbus Crew, Swaziland or even Igbobi Boys play football any day, as long as a quality match is on display and root for whoever. Even when United is playing, I applaud good moves by their opponents and sometimes pray they give us the kick in the pants we deserve for such a shite display. I appreciate football that much.

So what’s my problem with RVP? I feel like he sullied the sport for me a little. He was the Captain of Arsenal FC, the last of a golden era of Gunners football and he joined their biggest rivals in the quest for glory (individual over collective, regardless of what anyone tries to tell you). Forget what United’s cross-town rivals Manchester City did last season; forget the Mourinho years at Chelsea and the red card fiestas against Liverpool; Arsenal FC still remains United’s biggest rivals. So after years of going to battle and kissing the canon that adorns the Arsenal badge as he unleashed shot after shot at the Red Devils, RVP will now dress up in the colors and logo of Mighty Manchester. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. One of the greatest things about football is the rivalries. This transfer dishonors one of its greatest.

Warriors of Old – Manchester United’s Roy Keane and Arsenal’s Patrick Vieira share some love

I love basketball more than I love football. And I really LOVE football. So if you know anything about the NBA, its most storied rivalry features the Boston Celtics (the team I support) and the Los Angeles Lakers. The star of the Lakers is Kobe Bryant who is arguably the greatest player of his generation (Tim Duncan is the only one in the same class) and probably one of the 10 greatest (on record) to ever play the game. With Kobe, you love him or hate him, there’s no in-between. Earlier in his career, I absolutely hated Kobe Bryant. I laughed like a villain when my Celtics humiliated him and his Lakers to win the 2008 NBA Championship and cursed him out when his Lakers triumphed over the Celtics two years later.

However, I always respected the man and his talents, actually stating repeatedly that he is, in my opinion, more naturally gifted than one Michael Jeffery Jordan (DO NOT IN ANY WAY take this to mean I’m saying Kobe Bryant is better than Michael Jordan! There are at least five – possibly more – players Kobe has to surpass to even enter Jordan’s rarefied airspace). Today, there’s no love or (real) hate for Kobe, just the respect and appreciation of how he plays the game I love so much, but he plays for the other guys, so I have some apathy towards him 🙂

Anyway, what I’m getting at is this – as much as I respect Kobe Bryant’s abilities, I DO NOT want to see him play for the Boston Celtics! EVER! That would be traumatic and wrong on too many levels. The Celtics are falling behind in the Championship race, so having Kobe will seriously boost our chances BUT IT’S KOBE BRYANT!!!

This is how I feel about Robin Van Persie suiting up for the Red Devils of Manchester. He is a player I have long admired and appreciated. I saw him as the second coming of one of my favorite players ever, himself an Arsenal legend and fellow Dutchman, Dennis Bergkamp. I told many people that the oft-injured van Persie would be devastating to opponents if he just stayed healthy and in his first injury free season? He was the best player in the entire league. Journalists and his peers were in agreement. If he continues to stay healthy and gels with Wayne Rooney and the rest of the squad, I will be front and center screaming, “Get in ye Reds!” while watching them perform but still, I would rather do so without van Persie. For me, it’s like Rooney signing for Chelsea or Leo Messi for Real Madrid… In the powerful words of the Mad Rapper, “Nah san, nah!”

Now, here’s the most interesting bit about my rant and the sentiments of ‘betrayed’ Arsenal fans: WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK?

The man is rumored to be receiving about £200K per week and would also have collected about £2.25m on his transfer fee. I’m still contemplating whether I should buy credit or petrol.

Robin van Persie will suit up tonight in United’s season opener against Everton, wearing #20, which belonged to one of my favorite Reds ever, the Baby Faced Assassin, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. I will sit down, I will watch, i will ooh and ah (sadly, with no Cantona) as RVP has a riveting, vile or par debut for Man U. I will get over it. I’d better get over it because if I don’t, trust that not a brass farthing out of that £2.25m or weekly £200K will go towards the purchase of the panadol for this self inflicted headache.

I’m just a sports fan. Irrationally passionate and unnecessarily vocal. I would have been more untrue to myself if I hadn’t spewed this putrid venom than I have accused van Persie of being to Arsenal, it’s fans and the purity of football and its rivalries.

So in closing, begrudgingly but excitedly, I accept Robin van Persie (yeah, like it’s my place to do so) into the United fold and look forward to his first dance amongst the Red Devils of Manchester later tonight.

Arsenal fans, may your pain be our gain and come May 2013, may your pain be our champagne!

What? It’s still a rivalry, ya goonies! I don’t feel sorry for ya!

PLAY BALL!

Glory, glory Man United!